WTF Wednesday: Beyonce edition
By now, surely you ALL know what I’m referring to. (And if you don’t, at the MTV Video Music Awards, she performed and at the end, opened her sparkly sequined jacket and rubbed her baby bump. Her, like, 3 month, that maternity panel is so unnecessary baby bump. It was smug to the nth degree.)
In honor of the unbearably smug pregnancy announcement, my good friend Monica has prepared a little musical treat for you. Well, I guess a lyrical treat, since you have to provide the music, but she’s providing the lyrics. Without further ado…
All the Fertile Ladies, All the Fertile Ladies:
Now put your hands up!
Lookit me smug, give my belly a rub, ute is doin’ its thing!
Decided to try, want to cry
‘Cause I’m knocked up and glowin’!
I was up on him, he up on me,
doin’ our baby thing,
just tried a few months got two pink lines
ya can’t be mad at me!
‘Cause if you want it then you should’a really tried for it
‘Cause if you want it then you really should’a tried for it
Don’t be mad once you see that I tried for it!
‘Cause if you want it then you really should’a tried for it!
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh (repeat above)
Don’t look at me mad, gettin’ all sad
cause your ute ain’t occupied!
The baby’s what I prefer, it’s what I deserve!
See my pretty dress its showin’ off my bump
and sayin’ I’ve got a surprise! All the flashes flash
this ain’t no news trash, My ute’s reallysuperfantasticamazing!
Look under this purple coat, I’ve got a baby bloat!
All the Fertile Ladies, All the Fertile Ladies:
‘Cause if you want it then you should’a really tried for it
‘Cause if you want it then you really should’a tried for it
Don’t be mad once you see that I tried for it!
‘Cause if you want it then you really should’a tried for it!
(Whispers: All you haters, get back in line, I’m doin’ my thing, on my dime. If you gotta problem, it’s really yo thing. Bitches be jealous, I feel for your kin!)
And Monica reads my blog, so go ahead and leave her the mad props for her brilliant rendition of the ultimate Fertile Ho song. I think she did a lovely job of hitting the “you’re just jealous and bitter and I’m a magical reproducer” highlights.
Ha HA! Nice. That was super obnoxious of her.
Oh that is just all kinds of awesome!! Yeah, the smugness is what got to me, too. (of course, then I started to lose it, but that’s a different story…)
Love the hell out of this! The past two days of seeing her plastered on every news webpage, overflowing with smug satisfaction, has been irritating..so OVER it. Kudos to the lyricist!
I’ve been trying all day to formulate a JayZ lyrical concoction as well, but god’s honest truth, I can’t stomach it. I grow weary of seeing his “Oh yeah, I did that” smug grin all over the news. And I can’t even really get into the “I feel the love growing inside” thing. Or the attention-whoring belly-rubs. JayZ apparently wrote a song for the kid on his new album where he preemptively apologizes (Sorry junior, I already ruined ya/Cause you ain’t even alive, paparazzi pursuin’ ya/Sins of a father make your life ten times harder). Here’s a hint, asshole: paparazzi wouldn’t be pursuin’ the kid yet if you’d zipped your lip or, at the very least, not made such a spectacle of that growing bump.
Thursday here, and I ran out of wtf-s, sorry. At least it was after three months rather than 3 days or weeks. (But easy for me to say, I’ve managed to avoid this news, or my country is not interested or something)
Hee! Purple coat – baby bloat. Genius. Thanks C & M!
LOL, that was too awesome!
That was fabulous! Thanks for posting it!
To awesome for words.
Oh, M, how much do I love thee?
>>>THIIIIIS<<< much!
Take a bow, buddy. Take a bow.
I don't think I even need to comment on the obnoxious FHery of the Beyonce thing. Gah.
Good one! You nailed it.
Funny he’s not gloating about his other child… Supposedly he already had a son with a model named Shenelle Scott. That would tarnish their glory couple status.
I’ve seen it done once– ONCE!– and not be obnoxious. It was a friend of mine who does a weekly stage show (where, incidentally, I met my husband and most of my friends), she’d had two miscarriages and a corrective surgery, and she was finally pregnant with a baby that stuck around long enough to make an announcement that wasn’t “we WERE pregnant,” but “we ARE pregnant,” which was a long time coming for her. So at a part of her performance that had a bit of a striptease to it, she took off an outer shirt to reveal a smaller shirt and an exposed belly that said, in lipstick, “BABY.” And there’s apparently a video of everyone in the audience jumping up and cheering and a few friends running onstage to hug her. I heard it was pretty awesome
That I’d call different. My mom made a good point about Beyonce– “how can anyone even go onstage after that? I mean, you can’t follow that.” And really, you can’t. It throws things off.
I’m happy for ladies who get pregnant, and good on her that it wasn’t a long hard road like it can be for others, but… yeah. It’s a bit cheesy and not super classy to do that at an unrelated event that isn’t yours.
Love. So. Much.
I wonder if the celebs sit around and talk about the ALI community as much as we talk about them?
Seriously, though…I’m happy for her, I just don’t get it. She isn’t pregnant with Jesus, is she? Because then it would make sense to be as smug as she was.
That is just so incredibly awesome. HAHAHAHAHA.
Fantastic! Though I’m still in denial and insisting that the true preggo is Beyonce the giant metal chicken!
OMG, Beyonce the giant metal chicken. Funniest.thing.EVER.
M is the shizzle!
Love the Lyrics!
I’m with Mo: I will never ever hear Beyonce’s name again and NOT think of the Bloggess’ metal chicken. Funniest. Story. Ever.
I love this: your friend should be a lyricist. Or a humorist
Love the song!! Nice job Monica! Yea, us infertiles can’t even watch TV without saying, “Seriously, WTF?!”
Haha love it!
Yes, the smugness was what bothered me too. When I found out she is due in February (I would have been, but MC 7 weeks ago), I really lost it.
But even more, how every entertainment news show insisted on re-running the interview where she said she would “have a baby when she was 30″. She turned 30 on Sunday. I really am jealous of those who can just “plan” to have a baby by a certain age and then actually do it. I planned to have a baby two years ago, but now I’m just planning my next RE visit. Must be nice (insert pity party here).
Thanks for posting this and making me smile since I have been wanting to throw something at the TV every time I see the play-back.
It is absolutely astounding to me that people are capable of planning when to have a baby, and then it actually happens.
I’m glad this post made you smile and stop abusing your TV
OMG! Just coming over from another blog.. this is priceless! Thanks for the much needed laugh today!
That.is.amazingly.awesome!
I’ve bookmarked this for when I need a smile…or someone else does. Fabulous job!
I caught this one late. So awesome and I couldn’t agree more with the smugness level! So glad I missed that awards show.
Just saw this post. Sang along with iTunes with your lyrics!
Brilliant! Now need to go see the Bloggess’ metal chicken (?).